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SEARCHING FOR A
BETTER MOSH PIT?
You’ll do well to read the following before
plunging into the uncharted waters of moshing...

Prerequisites for this AwYeah!

  • You must know what a mosh pit is.
  • You must have heard of at least one of the following bands:
    Home Grown.
    Sprung Monkey.
    MXPX.
    Blink 182.

If you do not meet these prerequisites, please visit www.netnanny.com Thank you.

So anyway, the Los Angeles radio station KROQ recently hosted the aforementioned bands in an end of the summer punk rock bonanza. Every indication was that the concert would provide a superior mosh pit experience:

  • The concert was free. ($50 ticket prices tend to discourage the type of folks willing to slam their bodies full force into sweaty, tattoo-clad strangers)
  • The venue was standing-field only.
  • A typical song sounded something like this: Blink 182 (This is a video of a typical, and one of the more well known blink songs.)

Yes, this had all the makings of a mosh pit masterpiece. Excited, we sent our number one random-things reviewer, John D. Lard, a man with no credentials, to investigate.   This is the same TP staffer who in the past has reviewed fine cheeses, Persian rugs and Las Vegas black jack dealers without knowing a damn thing about them. John D. had never moshed in his life and had no idea what to do.  The following is John D’s official assessment:

Home Grown - - three rolls
Local boys playing first - ideal conditions that led to Home Grown garnering a slightly generous three rolls. I docked them a roll for repeatedly mentioning that they had just flown in from Cincinnati. Any band willing to play in the city that once elected Jerry Springer as mayor deserves to lose a roll, especially if they flaunt it. The band earned the roll back, however, when its lead singer screamed, "White people suck. Let’s hear it for the Asians!" It was brilliant commentary.

The moshing was lively and provided a good warm up. I had the wind knocked out of me towards the end of the set, which earned Home Grown an extra half roll.

Sprung Monkey - - two rolls
Although one of the fiercer looking bands, Sprung Monkey failed to excite the crowd. The music was certainly hard enough, the band wins the "most facial hair" category hands down, and they sported a sufficient number of tattoos, but the energy wasn’t there. Most of the moshers were beefy types, in attendence to prove that Mass really is an integral part of the equation Force = Mass X Velocity2. Although the circulation of the participants was excellent, it was a violent rather than energetic mosh (an important distinction) with several high elbows. Surprisingly, I incurred no injuries this session.

MXPX - - four rolls
Perhaps the most animated of the day during certain songs, although not throughout the entire set. MXPX’s lead singer receives bonus points for having the most face piercings of any performer. This reporter received a sharp elbow to the jaw during the mosh, good for an additional roll for MXPX. A jaw dislocation might have been enough to catapult the band to the exalted five roll range.

Unfortunately for MXPX, the crowd was tiring by the time their set came on or perhaps moshers were saving something up for the final band.

Blink 182 - - an unprecedented 7 out of 5 rolls!  
Download Dammit, Blink 182 (This is an MP3 file, 2.6megs... it'll take a few minutes to download.)

A virtual maelstrom of moshing. It was during this set that the day’s only fight occurred. Any music powerful enough to draw blood automatically earns a band three moshing rolls. Blink’s deft handling of the violence and caustic mocking of its perpetrators pushed the band to four rolls. Their eloquent use of the words "tit, bitch, cock, cum, twat, shit, & mother-fucker" in the same sentence rocketed the band to a perfect five of five possible rolls.

But the performance just kept getting better. Their frequent mention of their own masterbational exploits pushed Blink to the unprecedented more than perfect score of five and one half rolls.

But it didn’t stop there. By discussing in splendid detail the small dimensions and odd characteristics of their own genitalia, the band continued to roll over the competition, reaching six rolls. The fact the dozens of concert goers actually climbed the giant lampposts to get a better view sent the band’s rating to the dizzying height of six and a half rolls. And when I myself climbed a lamppost and hung above the swelling sea of humanity wondering what the hell I was doing, I knew this band and their mosh pit deserved a rating of 7. Touché, Blink 182, Touché.

 

Final thoughts:

  • The mosh pit concept proves once again and unequivocally that young, white suburbanites are the silliest people on the planet.
  • Always keep your eyes on the the little guys.  They have something to prove and they're angry.
  • Never tattoo a band's name on your back. 

Check back infrequently to catch John D. Lard talking out of his ass regarding various random subjects.

Thoughts?  mailto:thoughts@thetp.com

 

 

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