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The Aw Yeah! page is updated once a week and contains material that is far too experimental or unstable for the more normal confines of The Toilet Paper.  This week's edition of Aw Yeah! is....

A TYPICAL "THREE-PACK-A" DAY

Facts non-smokers will need to fully appreciate this AwYeah!:
         There are twenty cigarettes in the standard pack.
         There are two lungs in the standard body.

6:45am Roll over. Squint at alarm clock angrily. Most three-pack-a-day smokers are angry at something.

6:46 Bang alarm clock. Grope around for cigarettes. Find almost empty pack. Light first cigarette.

6:46 Growl sarcastically, "Yes I have to smoke in bed!"

6:48 Stare at teeth sleepily in the mirror. Brush with Polident toothpaste.

7:09 Dry hair while smoking a Camel unfiltered. Three-pack-a-day’ers don’t have time to bullshit around with Lights or Mediums.  And they never say "B.S.", they always say "bullshit". 

7:14 Put shirt on carefully so as not to burn the sleeves or collar on the cigarette.

7:24 Read paper. Eat Cheerios. Smoke cigarette between bites.

7:38 Back carefully out of driveway while ashing out of the window.

7:56 Say hello to the clerk at 7-11. Mispronounce his first name.  Purchase two packs of unfiltered Camels. Toss wrapper into the garbage can and light up the first cig of the new pack.

8:17 Arrive at work. Finish off cigarette in three inhales. Pop a tic tac.

8:28 Finish debriefing. Roll eyes. Step outside for a quick, emergency cigarette.

8:44 Take documents outside for some fresh air and a cigarette.

9:21 Pause to consider current situation. Decide to think it over with a cigarette.

9:23 Light second cigarette off of first. Continue to think over dilemna.

9:44 Eureka! The solution was so obvious! Celebrate with a cigarette.

9:58 Walk outside and light up. Huddle in doorway to avoid light drizzle.

10:35 Watch rain. Think about a cigarette.

10:43 Give up trying to wait out the downpour. Borrow umbrella from Janine and go out to smoke.

10:50 Join Paul for a quick cigarette. Share umbrella.

11:33 Return favor to Paul, give him a cig. Light his cigarette and then own.

12:04 Time for lunch. Light up on way out.

12:15 "Smoking or non?" Pull out pack and wave it casually in the air. Light up.

12:19 Finish cigarette while deciding what to eat. Light up.

12:25 Finish cigarette as drinks arrive. Light up.

12:36 Make sure no one minds smoke during the meal. Light up.

12:49 Pat stomach dramatically after chicken fajitas. Light up. Remark how good a cigarette tastes on full stomach.

12:59 Hold door open for everyone while finishing off cigarette. Crumple empty pack and toss it in back seat.

1:02 Inaugurate new pack.

2:27 Burst out of meeting and make a bee-line for the door, cigarette in hand.

2:29 Chain smoke cigarette number two.

2:32 Look thoughtfully at dying cigarette and light up chain smoked cigarette number three. Think, "You deserve it after that meeting."

3:11 Explain to Janine that you don’t smoke "that much". Ask to borrow her umbrella again.

3:40 Offer to drop off the package at the post office. Light up.

4:05 Have a smoke for the hell of it..

4:16 Promise to Janine that you’ll quit smoking soon. Curse her silently. Tense up. Walk to warehouse and smoke an ultra light with the teenage shipping clerk.

4:18 Smoke a real cigarette. Watch clerk as he chokes on the unfiltered cigarette. Smile.

4:29 Feeling pressure of the day. Smoke a cigarette. Explain to Janine that it’s been a half-hour since the last one.

4:39 Watch clock. Think about cleaning the basement and the storm gutters. Pop a piece of gum. Spit it out and go smoke a cigarette.

5:01 Hang up with outraged client. Smoke two cigarettes.

5:30 Head for the door. Wave to Janine. Turn corner. Light up.

5:48 Sit in traffic. Curse the bastard in front of you. Smoke cigarette.

5:55 Say hello to clerk at 7-11. Consider buying a carton. Decide that this is too much of an temptation to increase smoking. Pick up just one pack for the road. Light up.

6:04 Arrive at home. Notice Alan’s car in the driveway. Think about the inevitable Amway pitch. Drive past house and smoke three cigarettes.

6:28 Pull into garage. Say hello to Alan. Smoke two more cigarettes on porch.

7:23 Clear away dishes. Smoke cigarette.

7:27 Wipe off table. Smoke cigarette.

7:30 Put away leftovers. Smoke cigarette.

7:43 Go for a quick walk. Smoke cigarette.

8:11 Watch tv. Smoke cigarette.

8:46 Watch tv. Smoke cigarette.

9:23 Get ready for bed. Pop downstairs for a nibble and a cigarette.

9:50 Read one more chapter. Smoke two more cigarettes.

10:26 Turn out lights. Turn them on. Smoke cigarette.

11:15 Get up. Urinate. Go downstairs. Pour a glass of milk. Smoke a cigarette.

Thanks for reading.  Thoughts?  mailto:thoughts@thetp.com

 

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