Vol. 1, Number 39
KURT COBAIN DEAD OF
PANCREATIC CANCER, NOT
SEVERE HEAD WOUNDS
|He was heralded as the savior of
rock and roll. He sold millions of albums. He ushered in a new era for the angst-ridden
generation known simply as 'X'. And then Kurt Cobain took his own brilliant but tormented
It was an open and shut suicide case, complete with the handwritten note, the spent shotgun lying forgotten on the floor, and the body without a head.
Correction: Open and shut and open. At a press conference yesterday, Dr. Rudolph Simpson made the incredible claim that Kurt Cobain did not die of severe gun shot wounds to the head, but a slow and debilitating cancer of the pancreas. Simpson's claim has been substantiated by several independent medical experts.
"I suspected Cobain had pancreatic problems since I first saw a clip of him in 1992," reports Simpson, an orthodontist with a private practice. "It was his skin tone and bloodshot eyes that were the real clues. Typical diagnosis actually."
Pursuing his suspicions, Simpson petitioned the Cobain estate for permission to exhume the body. Two years after his initial request, the official papers came through and the following day Simpson was at the cemetery with a shovel.
A thorough analysis revealed a pancreas in the final stages of decay. "The cancer had completely destroyed the pancreatic organ. There were gaping holes; it was literally rotted through," Simpson shakes his head. "It's a wonder he hung on as long as he did."
A healthy male organ is 8 to 10 inches long and 1½ inches thick.
According to Simpson the disease killed Cobain over a period of at least five years. "It was a terribly slow death. Really quite sad.
"The real shame of it all is that this is a very treatable disease. More than 91% of all pancreas transplant recipients are alive and healthy one year after the operation."When asked to explain the missing head, Simpson balks, "My area of expertise is teeth. My hobby is pancreatic disorders. I am not a brain surgeon nor a head doctor. I'm not even a shrink, so I really don't feel it would be appropriate to postulate on the missing head."
Cobain was unavailable for comment.
YESTERDAY THE TP POSED THE FOLLOWING
Is it possible to stir one's
coffee in a manly fashion?
The following was submitted by Don-
And this, sent anonymously: