THE POOCASSO METHOD
How Pablo P. creates his work...

Dozens of TP readers and associates have written in wanting to know if this fArt Gallery is just some elaborate joke or if Pablo Poocasso and his famous works o' fArt really exist. Let us dispel any doubts right now:

• Pablo Poocasso exists (Poocasso is a pseudonym to protect the job of this digital arts instructor)
• Mr. Poocasso believes wholeheartedly in his art
• Mr. Poocasso has had limited commercial success, but maintains the conviction that one day he will be recognized as a artisan prodigy.

Mr. Poocasso asserts that his pieces are the purest, most unabashedly honest and revealing works of art found in the world. Pablo maintains his sense of humor, however, and accepts that it may be years after his death before anyone takes his art seriously. "Some day a marketing genius will bring my art to the world. He'll probably call it 'organic art' and sell it for millions. After I'm deceased, of course. But I accept that; I do this for the love o'fArt."

So how does Pablo create a typical work o'fArt? The process is more elaborate than most people would believe. Mr. Poocasso explains:

"All joking aside, before I create a piece, I have to have a certain feeling; I need to be moved. I don't just put something down and call it art. Every one of my pieces represents an emotion, a period or an important event in my life. The sensation comes before the concrete vision. At any rate, I can go months, I've even gone years without creating a single piece. And on the flip side, I've had periods where I'll create 7, 8, even nine works in a two month stretch. For instance I created Shit Eating Grin and The Mad Crapper at the same time.

"Okay, so I feel something, there's some emotion I want to express. After I know what feeling or sensation I want to convey, I have to figure out how to depict it. I usually solve this problem while laying in bed before sleep. Sometimes, however, the vision doesn't come for weeks, and I'll have to go into seclusion out in the swamps for a week or two before I'm 'enlightened'. But in the end the turd you leave is equal to the turd you make.

"So now that I have the vision, I set to work creating it. I typically purge my system by subsisting only on water and smoothies for days. Don't ask "Why smoothies?" because I don't know, but it seems to do the trick. After that I concern myself with the ingredients of the piece, eating just the right foods - maybe beef and foods high in fats and proteins, maybe vegetables with a high fiber content. Celery is perfect for this. I don't want to go too deep into this because it makes my art sound like a science project, but obviously the food you eat is crucial to how the piece turns out. I'm a self taught nutritionist and during periods of creativity, I'll scrutinize everything that goes through my body. I calculate, document, even schedule each calorie of food I ingest for some pieces, yet others flow very naturally with little preparation at all.

"People often ask me if I take any form of laxative or other medicines to alter the bowels in any way. Let me make this absolutely clear &endash; NEVER! I consider that a complete perversion of the art. Sure, it makes things easier. I could probably quadruple my production, turn myself into a little fArt factory, but anyone who really values these pieces can sense the difference. There's just something missing; just not right. This is a sore spot for me because I see other, younger artists moving into this arena and doing just that. They might as well go collect cow dung and slop it on a canvas. This was also my inspiration for the controversial Bull Shit piece.

"At any rate, back to the preparation, food isn't the only factor in how I achieve the emotion and sensation I wish to convey. I have a dozen different regimens I follow depending on what I hope to achieve. I'll wake up at certain hours, run and be active or be totally sluggish, subject myself to different temperatures and altitudes. I go to any length for my art because I enjoy the creation process so much.

"But most important is attitude. So much of my art is dependent on how I feel and how I think. I am meticulous and truly, truly pure of mind whenever I am working on a project. My psychologist will support this. I live the piece. I can be a very unpleasant person during this period, for instance with You Wanna Piece Of Me?, I was absolutely horrific for weeks, but I am true to what I want to portray. And I'll tell you what, it works. Anyone who understands my work can spot an impure attitude at a glance. It's almost as easy to tell which pieces were improperly created as it is to verify a Poocasso forgery.

"The whole preparation process takes about 14 days in addition to the purge period. Then comes the moment of truth, the delivery. There are so many factors that come into play here and you only get one shot, so it can be a very stressful time. Once it's out, it's out and there's no going back. Fortunately, if I really fail in what I'm trying to do, I can maintain the diet and lifestyle and I don't have to pass through the purging again. What the delivery comes down to is angle, proximity, and applied force, which is truly hard to maintain in a skier's squat. Physics really, force = mass x velocity.

"I rarely alter anything once the delivery is accomplished. For me, that cheapens what I've done. Not that I'm morally opposed to repositioning, but it takes something away from the pure, unspoiled essence of the project.

"After the delivery, the project still is not over - not by a long shot. There's the permanesence phase, or what some refer to as the formation period. Again, angle of the piece comes into play, as does temperature at which it is stored, humidity, barometric pressure, lighting and a host of other factors.

Then the piece is put through the Baking process which is designed to both cure the piece and reduce odor. Average curing time can be between one and two weeks, depending on the depth or height of the particular work o' fArt. I have designed special racks and placed them on the roof of my condo for this regime. The neighbors don't have a clue. But if I don't want my shit to stink, this phase is a must!

After the Baking process is completed, sometimes the work is painted to conceal its earthy tones. Several layers of clear coat are applied to further seal and protect the fArt. Many times I have been complimented on my works only to be ridiculed once I have told them it's a real piece of shit. The conversation goes something like this: That's really a beautiful work of art, they say. It's a real piece of shit, I say. No, it's actually quite nice, they say. And I proceed to play with them until they really understand my angst. One of these days you'll see. I think we're in for a real defecation celebration. No holes barred.

Now there's something I do during this next phase which very few people appreciate as a legitimate technique, but which works wonders for my pieces. I play music for the piece and sing to it. Sounds ridiculous, I know, but I swear it works. I discovered this quite by accident at the beginning of my career, but I've been using it ever since. My guess is it has something to do with the vibrations of the music, but maybe its something else, I can't tell you for sure. The music varies, of course, depending on the piece, but I tend to choose something mellow and moving, a Bach or Yanni CD usually does the trick - but sometimes something hard like Metallica or Nine Inch Nails helps achieved the desired effect. I'll hum along up next to the piece as much as I can; I try to spend 8 to 10 minutes a day with the piece for the first three days and at least two minutes a day for the next three weeks.

"And then, after more than a month of work, the piece is ready for display. It's a thankless corner of the art community, I get virtually no recognition, but when I gaze at one of these works o' fArt, one that's turned out perfectly, well that's all the thanks I need."

To purchase or commission any work o' fart, please contact pp@theoffice.net or marketing@thetp.com   The fArt Gallery proudly accepts Visa, MasterCard and American Express. 

Video o' fArt creation should be released in late August; its release will be announced on The Toilet Paper mailing list.  Why not join us?