Before the interview, begin downloading a soundclip from the world's greatest wino.  Why don't we begin with Mutha. (124K)  It will download as you read...

Howdy sir. So your sign says that you’re a sex counselor and "the world’s greatest wino"…any interest in giving an interview for an on-line satirical magazine.

Absolutely. What you wanna know?

So how did you become the world’s greatest wino?

Have you ever seen a picture of the Nappa Valley?

No. What’s Nappa Valley?

That’s where they grow all the grapes and stuff. That’s wine country.

Okay.

Death Valley used to look the same way until I got loose in that mutha.

[Laugh] Impressive. But what makes you greater than any other wino?

Anybody can get drunk and fall down, but I’ll give you a real secret – I been sober for eleven months.

Eleven months?

Yeah, I get my cake September the eighth.

Now wait a minute…you’re not a very good wino.

I am, I’m the greatest wino.

Okay, but you haven’t had a drink in eleven months.

That makes me even greater. Doesn’t that make me even greater?

Well it makes you greater, but not a greater wino.

Ready for soundclip two? dykes(92K)

Why not? Don’t you realize once an alcoholic always an alcoholic? So if I’m a wino drunk, I’m a wino sober. I’m just a sober wino.

Interesting.

Yeah, think about it.

So on a good day back in the height of your drinking career, how much could you drink?

Well I was drinking Vodka back then and I was drinking a liter at least.

A liter? A day?

Yeah, maybe more.

And you didn’t puke?

Now why would I throw away good liquor? [Laugh]

[Laugh] So why do you call yourself a wino if you drank vodka?

This is just a phraseology. Anybody you see drunk is a wino. If Bill Clinton came out here drunk they’d call him a wino.

Do you think he slept with Monica?

Nah, he didn’t sleep. He didn’t do no sleeping. [Laugh]

Ready for soundclip three?  More dykes.(95K)

[Laugh]

[Laugh] There wasn’t no sleeping involved. Nah.

So shifting gears, give me the whole sex counselor thing. What are your credentials for that?

Well see, okay, I been sexually active since about the age of twelve, eleven or twelve.

How old are you now?

I’m sixty one. Plus a lot of my sexual activity was uh, with uh… dykes. A lot a lesbians taught me sex. I had a lot of lesbians and those lesbians know about sex. Plus I been a sociologist, a psychologist at New York University. I don’t have any real diplomas, but I got the knowledge.

So how’d you get the dykes?

Oh well they happen to like me. I’m a friendly guy, I got charisma. This beard distracts from my real charisma but I have a great deal of charisma, and dykes just flock to me. And also fags too, but I push them away. [Laugh] I don’t stir no mud.

[Laugh] Very nice. Okay. One more question. What do you think about viagra?

Well that’s what this sign says. I don’t think you saw this one. It say, "Donations excepted for Viagra research." I’m still out to lunch on all of its potential. I know the hazards in Viagra, but now I want to see the positive side. Everybody know about the erection, but there’s more to it than that. I haven’t finished my research on that.

Have you tried it yet?

That’s what I’m trying to raise money for.

Okay so I’m gonna have to come back with some money for you.

Well you don’t have to do that. Bring me a couple a tabs of Viagra. [Laugh] I’ll get the rest done.