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JEWS FOR JERRY Jerry getting into limo after thanking Jews for Jerry. Joe and MJ in background. When we heard Jerry Springer's promotional tour of his new video "Too Hot For TV" took him to within a half hour of TP headquarters, we knew we couldn't squander the opportunity. With prior knowledge of the time and location of a Jerry appearance, we decided to hit the streets as missionaries for the JEWS FOR JERRY, CHURCH OF SPRINGER. As religious zealots who worship Jerry our goal was to document the reaction of Jerry and His fans. A total emotional breakdown on the part of Jerry hovered in the back of our heads as a nice, if unlikely bonus.
When Jerry arrived, we marched into the music store where He was to set up shop. With
us we had a bible and our two signs (still rolled up): "JEWS FOR JERRY" and
"JERRY IS THE RED HEIFER" We must have been sending out the right religious
looney vibe because we were immediately surrounded by security guards who eyed our posters
suspiciously. The head guard, upon seeing the bible, offered, "Iım a religious man
myself, but Iım going to have to ask you to leave." We countered with,
"But..." Alas, he was too cunning for us, meeting our logic with,
"NOW!". We were promptly ushered out, and MJ only regained admittance by
promising to make a purchase of Springer related material: a Jerry Is One Bad Ass!
t-shirt.
Inside, MJ began to worry he would wither under the suspicious stares,
gestures, and whispering between security and Jerry's handlers. All were eyeing the good
book clutched in his hand like it was a weapon. When he finally reached the head of the
line a plain clothes security guard asked MJ what he wanted Him to sign. MJ said,
"Well sir, I was hoping he could sign my Bible." Unbalanced by this request the
guard shot a nervous look to Jerry's head handler who waved her hands and uttered an
alarmed but silent, "No." It was almost as if she were behind MJ who was looking
right at her. The saga continues on page two This has been a collaborative effort between Ooze and The Toilet Paper. Everything you read in this article is 100% true… we swear to Jerry. |
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TOILET PAPER DAILY POLL: If you were Jerry, would you be honored/amused or deeply disturbed by the Jews For Jerry. HONORED |
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An hour before Jerry arrived
we (MJ and Joe) were circulating throughout the crowd, spreading the Word. Jews For
Jerry (JFJ), we explained, believe that Jerry will usher in the apocalypse and thereby
bring about the 1000 years of peace and harmony predicted in Revelations. He (as in Jerry
with a capital "H") will accomplish this through His exposition of the most
despicable aspects of our society - Lo, his wisdom is infinite! As JFJ. we asserted
that Jerry is the New Messiah, meaning we believe in both Jerry and Jesus. In
short, there is no liturgical justification for the Jewish Church of
Springer, but lack of reason didn't deter us in the least. In fact we relished it.
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